My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”