Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is