Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.