[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown