I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU