i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
This is sending me to another galaxy