Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
monday
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead