Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?