I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing