My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
You Might Also Like
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Erm I’m gonna say no
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?