[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.