All right stop, coagulate and thicken
You Might Also Like
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.