Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.