If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Ugh
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.