[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Well, that didn’t work.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity