RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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Boating season is upon us.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Chicago sounds lovely.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this