To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
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People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy