Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices