[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
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You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level