I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
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When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.