Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I think they could have phrased this better
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY