Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Holy shit he’s back
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.