Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Never be a pizza!
need him
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”