being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
This hospital has everything
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I don’t get marriage
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Only a mother’s love …
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂