I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
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*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.