My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Something Saturday.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?