I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?