NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
what’s the point then??
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Cake safety first. Always.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?