If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Every time my phone rings
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?