Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You Might Also Like
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town