🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?