I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat