People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.