first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Strange
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Not all heroes wear capes.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
This is hilarious….
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.