Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
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Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
concern
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.