[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.