TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”