I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
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[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
A tragic love story in two pictures.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough