ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
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Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.