[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My diet starts in January
of 2027
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet