[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
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Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.