The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.