“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?