Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Lmao
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Current mood: Potato
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!