cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
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[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.