How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets