A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.