Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Bless you
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving