Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
💯😂
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone