By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
is this meant to deter me
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
reviewed some movies recently
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…